The world hates you when you’re sad. Everyone is disappointed in you because you’re such a downer, such a joykill, such a drag. You play the victim all the time when there’s no one to blame. You can’t take a joke because you’re so damn sensitive. You’re so boring, you never go out. You’ve changed, what happened to you? You’re so paranoid, people are just trying to help. You’re so dependent, what a cripple, you can’t stand on your own. It’s not that bad is it? You’re really lucky to have what you have, why are you so unhappy? So life is hard, just deal with it.
Good questions and good points. I quite agree. Those words repeat a thousand times over in my head whenever they are voiced at me. What conclusion can I arrive at from these repetitious criticisms but that basically there’s a lot wrong with me? Or will you say now I am too hard on myself; I am playing the victim? Where do I go from here; how can I separate myself from my brain, or my heart, or my soul, or whatever that torments me, so I can be the happy, entertaining self you so enjoy?
Depression has no source. Why are you unhappy? I can name a million reasons and none of them are true. Every reason will sound absurd to you, because I must be exaggerating. I am just being melodramatic.
Yes, I am all what you say and more. I choose to be that, if you can believe it. Yes, I choose it. I can easily choose to put up my usual front, the one you’re used to, the one everyone prefers. But as I grow older, I grow tired of the games people play. I want to act happy only when I am truly happy. I will be sad if I am sad.
I want to start at being real, whether real is boring for you or not. I will be happy for me and sad for me. I will enjoy my company, not make my company enjoyable to you. Judge as you like, I hear you and the words hurt as they always do, I won’t pretend they don’t, but I follow my own path whether you believe it the wrong one or not.
i found this writing of yours though a google search: “how to act happy when you’re sad”. it was the third link. The second was how to be happy from wikihow.
you’ve managed to put into words the dilemma of depression.
to be enlightened, it seems to be common that one will be happy. but i don’t think that’s true. do you? because what is sadness compared to happiness? just another attachment. like you asked, how can i separate myself from my brain…perhaps, stop thought. be the mirror. i find it hard to believe that an enlightened individual would be eternally happy, i think happy is just how we perceive that individual. in truth, they just ARE. there’s too much sorrow and pain in the world, to be happy, it’s all too self-inflicted. so we must detach ourselves from these traps and just be.
i don’t know if these words can help you, but they are the conclusions that i have drawn thus far.
i hope you’re ok.