Laugh at yourself, but don’t ever aim your doubt at yourself

“Laugh at yourself, but don’t ever aim your doubt at yourself”

Wise words are plenty, but the experience which gives meanings to those words are few and far between. So when such an experience does happen to me, I try to reflect on it and commit it memory, in short, to keep the lesson.

Although wise words do not necessarily teach the lesson, they provide a guide and a goal to reach. I’ve heard people say many times that the best lesson in life is to take life lightly and to learn to laugh at yourself. I used to think, “Of course I laugh at myself, I laugh at silly things I do all the time.” But that’s not exactly what the quote meant. To really be able to laugh at yourself is to be able to take something which might hurt your feelings, might expose your vulnerability, and might compromise that hard exterior you put up, and find all of it a little ridiculous, and funny. It’s the ability to put down pride and stop struggling, and simply smile. This is a genuine change of attitude, and one that makes life much easier.

To my close friends, and especially my boyfriends (the plural means ex’s included), I’ve been notorious for taking things too personally. I’m usually terrible at taking sarcasm and jokes at my expense because I turn them all inward into voices that put me down. Even if the joke is ridiculous, like if someone said I was too fat, I would still take it seriously. It’s a very blunt way of putting it, but I played the victim. I don’t literally “play” the victim, but more so, I believed I was the victim. But I did not realize I wasn’t a victim of their critiques, I was a victim of my own insecurities.

I’m not saying all jokes are not meant to hurt. But it’s important to differentiate between the intention of someone who means to hurt you and someone who is just having fun.

Not too long ago, if someone had said all this to me, I’d inevitably argue that whether intended or not, the action still produces a reaction. One hopes the reaction is positive, but what if it’s negative? Who’s fault is it? The problem with this kind of thinking, which still says, “I’m the victim, and you’re to blame,” is that now I’m making the person who was just trying to joke with me into a personification of my fears and insecurities. This sort of thinking does nothing positive but rather offends myself and the other person, and worse, creates a rift between us.

I first became aware of this was at work. My coworkers are very witty and sarcastic folks and I love them for that. It keeps me sharp. But often the witticism is directed at me and jokes at my expense. I used to take it all very personally, because what they said made me feel stupid, but I kept most of it inside; so needless to say, resentment built over time. One day when they were making another joke about me, I confronted them with how I felt. I told them I don’t understand why they look down on me, why they think I’m such a mental clutz. They were very taken aback and told me they never thought that and had a lot of respect for me. They thought I said funny things, but not because I wasn’t smart. I didn’t really understand still. But after I realized I was wrong about their intention, I was able to look at things differently.

The next time they made a joke, I listened to what they said rather than what my insecurities said. I backed away from the defensive thoughts in my mind and put myself in their shoes. And then I was able to see that myself from this objective view was funny and I able to laugh at me. And it was a strange experience because it felt like a huge load lifted off my shoulders. The more I laughed the more the fears disappeared and seem ridiculous and insignificant.

I’ve laughed with them ever since and whenever we get into one of those roll-on-the-ground, teary-eyed laughs, they’d say, “Don’t ever leave us!” and then, more quietly, more sincerely, “You are the crazy-glue that keeps this office together.”

Before, I wouldn’t have taken that as a compliment. I’d think they were saying, “We need a  court jester around to laugh at.” Now, I don’t think anymore between the lines, because those thoughts are my own doubts of my own self-worth. Sometimes there really is more between the lines, and sometimes people say what they really mean: “You are the crazy-glue that keeps this office together.” No  more, no less.